The Pity Party

It finally happened. The day cancer finally felt real.

It hit me like a wave when I woke up that morning. Anger. My body hurt. It was Chemo 3, Day 5. I woke up with a killer headache, probably dehydration from bathroom issues through the night, and my hips were throbbing. Bone pain from the Neulasta injection meant to boost my white cells. Bone marrow expanding to grow more. I knew it could happen. I’ve heard of friends who were debilitated by it. I wasn’t debilitated. I was just… mad.

All good things, really. Actually… not really.

I went back to bed and stayed there…all day, wallowing.

I was angry. Angry at God.

Many of you have said, “This isn’t fair, Karen.” “Why you?” “You’ve already faced cancer in the worst way, losing your daughter.”

And that day, and for the next few days, I agreed with you. Why me? Why do I have to suffer again? Why do I have to lose pieces of who I am just to survive as the version of what’s left?

This was the first time I fell into the hole of despair during this cancer journey.

I am a positive person and believe from the core of my soul in ShineForward✨. When we live it, own it, and share it — our stories, the good, the bad, and the ugly — we can change the world. One story at a time. One person at a time.

But last week, I didn’t want to change the world. I wanted to sit in the dark.

And if I’m going to post beach pictures where I look strong and fit and pretty, then I have to share this too. I have to show up as I am. Not as who I think the world needs me to be. Not as who my family needs me to be. Not even as what people will pay to hear.

I begged God for clarity about my business for months. And here I am. In the middle of cancer treatment.

That is the clarity.

Because if I say I’m a woman of faith, then I have to live like one. Not just when I’m strong. Not just when it’s inspirational. But when I’m angry. When I’m tired. When I feel awful in my body and in my mind.

Because, “It is in our weaknesses that His strength is made perfect.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

For those few days I wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to explain how I felt. I was irritated that anyone would even ask. Obviously, I have cancer. Leave me alone. And they did.

Then I watched them struggle because the person who usually lifts everyone else up wouldn’t get up.

Have you ever felt that weight? The unspoken expectation that you’re the strong one?

Moms, I’m looking at you.

When you fall, it reverberates.

For days I had nothing left but woe is me. And everyone else had to figure it out.

And guess what? THEY DID! And they still loved me. Even though I wasn’t my best self.

What I’m Learning in This Season

Being everything to everyone isn’t real. It’s not even required. The only place we are called to stand fully accountable is before the God who made us.

It doesn’t escape me that I’m blessed. Halfway through chemo, my symptoms are mild compared to what many endure. And somehow that made it harder to give myself permission to feel bad.

But bad is relative, and so So is good.

We all experience life differently, in different seasons, in different bodies.

For most of my life, I’ve justified my feelings away because I had so much to be grateful for. But gratitude and grief can coexist. Strength and self-pity can sit at the same table.

Sometimes we just feel bad!

And maybe what this season is teaching me is this:

Feel it. Don’t judge it. Don’t rush it. Don’t shame it.

Accept the invitation to the pity party and attend!

Roll around in the mud if you need to. But remember you don’t live there.

My Jesus Calling devotional on 2-23. God was ready for me!

God made sure I had this last part down! I read Jesus Calling every morning and evening and THIS showed up on day 2 of my pity party.

I SHIT YOU NOT. A coincidence…or God reaching in to pull me out.

Every morning brings something new. You can start over the next day. Truth be told, you can start over every five minutes if you need to.

It took me a few days. But I made it to Costco.

And if that’s not proof I crawled my way out, I don’t know what is😂.

So I’m wishing you this:

The awareness to climb into the hole when you need to.

And the courage to reach for a hand when you’re ready to come out.

When we ShineForward✨ — when we really LIVE it. OWN it. SHARE it. — there will always be someone there to pull us up.

Until next time…